I was in B. preparing myself for moving – it wasn’t a big move, since all my stuff fit into a small car. This car was being ridden not by me, but by my boyfriend, Ryan. I was very anxious and worrying myself with many things in this moving situation, the most important one was my little dog, Milka, that was with me and would be taken along with the move. But the car was full of things and I wanted a comfortable place for Milka – she was inside her transport box, but everything in the car was so crooked and messy that it was hard to find a flat surface to put her water and food tray. With all that, Ryan helped me: I was anxious because of this and that, but he never got irritated with me nor showed any sign of impatience: he was helpful and for any problem that showed up, he came up with a solution instead of complaining. Even more than that: he simply did what he knew was going to help me, it didn’t need words, I didn’t have to tell him how to help me or what to do. He seemed to read my mind in the sense that he made himself ready and willing to support me and give me unconditional love in my moments of crisis.
For example, Milka had no water and we were still in the neighborhood where I previously lived. Ryan drove to the nearest market and said he would stay in the car waiting for me, in order not to let Milka alone in the car. I became then distressed because of the mess in the backseat of the car, and Ryan didn’t hesitate in bringing Milka to the front seat, where she, from thirst and eagerness, ended up making a mess with the food and water. I know a lot of “nice” people who would have been irritated with that, or would at least make some passive-aggressive comments. Not Ryan – he just smiled and showed love and affection in his looks and gestures.
The sun had already gone down and I remembered I had to pick up my anxiety medication, and right away Ryan started driving back to my old house. I then explained that they were not there, but that I had the prescription and needed to go to the drugstore to pick it up. Ryan didn’t even blink or complain in any way for having driven half the way in the wrong direction – he had compassion and understanding for my mistakes and flaws. We went then straight to the nearest drugstore, but only then did I realize they were new drugs that would be found only in a very specific drugstore and not probable at all to be found at the local pharmacy. I asked Ryan to stop the car, already nervous, so that I could call the drugstores and find out which of them sold that medication. Ryan stopped the car calmly in front of the local drugstore and said that, if they had the medicine, at least we were already there, and told me not to worry about going in the wrong direction: he wanted me to feel good and find my medication; he said we would go together to whatever drugstore that had my medication: regardless of the time or location, we would find my meds. And he said all that unconditionally – not with phrases like “if it is urgent”, or “if you really need it” – no, it was all straight from the heart. The faster I got my medication, the better I would feel, and that was what mattered to him.
Ryan looked at me with such an expression of love, but also of playfulness and good-humor, smiling without showing his teeth, making his eyes wrinkle adorably – such a jaunty expression, but in no way mocking or making ridicule of my anxiety – no, it was a well-intentioned and good-humored consideration of my anxiety and my quirks, neurotic flaws that made me, in his eyes, more loved and special; strange though it may seem, that was the person he loved, me, exactly as I was. He came in my direction inside the car, and kissed me with a mix of desire and acceptance, a kind of love that is, at the same time, carnal, but transcends matter and makes me feel closer to the divine…